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17 February 2014 @ 04:21 am
pick your poison  
oneshots for kyra's birthday. pick your poison:

Even though Minah had always encouraged him that he’d find someone of his own who was deserving of everything he was, and everything he had to offer, she never really thought about what would happen the day he told her that he’d finally found someone who loved him, and that he could love in return. She thought it would be simple enough, that she’d feel happy for him and congratulate him, because that was what best friends did, but all she could do was stand there and wonder why she couldn’t bring herself to utter those simple words.

“Minah?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed in that way they usually did when he was worried about her, when she’d show up unannounced at his door, all bad mood and brooding, when he’d take her into his arms and comfort her, when she’d feel that she would be able to go on another day just because she was beside him. “Say something.”

In return for those times, she gave him a smile, though, for whatever reason, she couldn’t get it to be sincere. “Finally!” she said at last, and it had meant to come out with a joking tone, but her voice was devoid of emotion, and she’d said it so low that she was sure the word had gone unheard. Taking a deep breath, she once again forced the corners of her lips up, and spoke again. “Good for you, Luhan.”

But all her efforts had gone in vain. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he had seen right through her, and, really, she should have expected it. Although Minah had always been fairly good at hiding her truest emotions, for one reason or another, she could never do that with Luhan. He could always tell when she was lying, whether it was by the words she spoke or by the actions she forced.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, his eyebrows still furrowed, and his eyes full of concern.

And she hated that she was making him worry when she didn’t even know what was wrong herself. So she spoke again, trying harder to speak with any other emotion than nonchalance. “Nothing,” she started. “Congratulations on…that. I’m happy for you.”

She lifted her hand, lifelessly patting his shoulder, but as much as she tried, it was becoming more obvious that she wasn’t being sincere, and she could see the disappointment written on his face. She flinched as he ran a hand through his hair, exasperation growing on his features. “Minah, if you’re not going to tell me what’s wrong, I’m going to think you aren’t really happy for me.” His words were spoken in a teasing tone, but she could see the concern in his eyes.

“I said nothing’s wrong.”

And the look of hurt in his eyes made her feel a twinge of guilt. She hated that she always burdened him with her problems and made him worry for her, and she knew exactly what that look in his eyes was. He felt she was hiding things from him. But it simply wasn’t the case. After all, how could she hide what she didn’t even know? Luhan shook his head, dark tendrils moving along with the motion before gently falling into place again over his forehead.

“You never tell me anything anymore,” he spoke finally, eyes gazing into hers. “Why have you been closing yourself off? Why won’t you tell me what’s bothering you? Is it him again?

“I already told you congratulations,” she protested, growing tired of him badgering her about a problem that, to her, didn’t exist. “I said I was happy for you, I smiled, I gave you a pat on the back. What more do you want from me?”

“I want you to be honest with me,” he said, eyes staring directly into hers.

Minah had never been nervous holding eye contact with Luhan, but the way he was looking at her now was making her nervous, and she knew exactly why. She’d seen that look several times before: on the hill that was her secret spot in Andong, in his apartment when they were watching that movie, and again in his apartment when he’d built that pillow fort and they’d gotten themselves into another one of their tickle fights, only that one had ended with him on top of her and her staring up at his face.

It was those moments when he looked like he wanted to kiss her.

And those moments when she almost wanted him to go for it.

They were the moments she always locked away, kept close to her heart but refused to touch ever again, because it was those moments that confused her more than she had ever been in her life, more than statistics and calculus and physics and all those subjects she was never good at but always passed anyway due to her father having money and power. Because she had someone, a man who cared for her, who always tried, but there was also Luhan, who was always there when there were misunderstandings with that man, when that man hurt her, whenever she wasn’t in her best of states. There was Luhan.

And she didn’t want to lose him.

She was aware that just because he’d found someone that she wouldn’t lose her best friend. She’d assured Luhan of that plenty of times before. But this was something different. And looking at him now, with his heart on his sleeve, with his eyes a gateway into his thoughts and his feelings and his very soul, everything that she’d always denied but had always known was brought to the forefront of her mind, and she felt like she was hit with a thousand pound freight truck.

But she couldn’t be honest with him. Not when she was engaged, and he was now attached. It wouldn’t be fair to the other people who had unwittingly been dragged into the situation. It wasn’t their fault that neither of them had been honest with themselves when they’d known all along but refused to deal with it because the situation would be too difficult to deal with.

“Minah,” he spoke again, his voice breaking her out of the thoughts that were racing through her mind. “Say something.” He looked tired and defeated and she wanted to reach out to him, to pull him into one of those hugs that felt like nothing in the world could harm them, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t even move, not when she could see the pleading in his eyes that said more than any words ever could. “Anything.”

“You’re making a mistake. You’re supposed to be with me.”

Is what she should have said, if she were being honest, which was what should have been said long ago. But it hadn’t, and telling the truth now only meant hurting two people they honestly cared about, but maybe not in the way they wanted them to. And to lie meant hurting themselves, but weren’t they always those kinds of people anyway, the kind that always put others before themselves?

“Congratulations, Luhan. Really. I’m really, really happy for you.”

Was what she said instead, and no string of words that had ever left her mouth ever hurt that much, the gravity of what she’d told him weighing down on her so much that she could barely stand, leaving her to lean against the doorway to keep herself standing. Not only had Luhan always been there, but he had been there, always keeping her first. Even though the ring on her finger was hard to ignore and the love she had for another person was grand and great and large and amazing, there was Luhan. There had always been Luhan.

And now, after saying those words, there wouldn’t be. She could no longer be confident that she would come before everyone else, she could no longer call him and text him whenever she pleased. She couldn’t even show up at his doorstep without calling first just to hang out, simply because she wanted to spend time with him. But most of all, she could no longer wonder ‘what if,’ because there was no ‘what if,’ only another person who had taken her place, the spot she’d always hoped would remain open for her even though she knew how selfish that was.

Luhan let out a resigned sigh, eyes tired and body hunched over as if he had just been through a rigorous exercise regimen. He smiled, and Minah now knew how it felt, to know that such a happy expression was forced and insincere. With a bitter laugh, he dragged his hand over his face before pushing himself off the bed, moving to go past her, but before he could entirely walk out, her hand reached for his, taking him by the wrist and, as if he had been waiting for it to happen, he froze in place. And they stood there, as if time had no effect on them. Luhan, with his head hung and his hand hanging back, and Minah, with her fingers wrapped lightly around his wrist, still leaning against the door frame of her bedroom.

“Your turn,” she said, her voice coming out quiet and hoarse, so much so that she couldn’t even recognize her own voice. She didn’t move, keeping her gaze on the carpeted floor of her bedroom, though she was sure her body was trembling. She turned her head slowly, looking at him out of the corner of her eyes, though she dared not turn her head any further. “Say something.”

It was at that moment she felt his hand slip out of hers, and she felt like she was losing the whole world as he walked away. And the final words he uttered before leaving, she knew, would stay with her and haunt her forever.

“I’ve given up on you.”

jk the fluff isn't done yet
i'm feeling : accomplishedaccomplished
exorgasmexorgasm on February 18th, 2014 08:02 am (UTC)